You can call me Crash.
This is an exercise in figuring it all out.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
I was determined to drink today.
I went to a meeting and decided that today would be the day that I said “shove it” to my program. (which in all honesty I haven’t been working to the best of my ability for the last two weeks.)
I got a little cash in hand, always a dangerous place for me, and I was going to go out and reward myself for 61 days clean and sober by having a few drinks.
Then I logged onto facebook, saw a picture of one of my heavy drinking friends, and realized how dead she looks. Her skin is grey and her eyes are dark and sunken.
When I got home from rehab a friend commented on how much better my skin looked, that I didn’t look grey anymore. I was shocked; I got complimented on my skin many times in the weeks before entering treatment, and I’d had no idea.
Do I want a drink? Hell yes I want a drink. I want to lose control and have a reason for the misery that’s still swallowing me. But will I?
No, because I’ll be damned if I walk around looking dead while pretending I’m living life.
Dear Sobriety,
Where the fuck is that pink cloud? Where are the promises at? I’m sick to death of dealing with life’s bullshit with no way to forget it and pretend it isn’t there.
Tomorrow I’m moving back in with my parents because apparently going to treatment was a ‘vacation’ and all our financial problems are completely my fault. I’m getting zero support at home, I’m exhausted, and I’ll be lucky if I make $300 a month with the hours I’m getting. FUCK THIS I WANT A DRINK.
Today is one of those days that everything is getting under my skin. I MISS DRINKING. I miss smoking a bowl and laughing at stupid shit. I miss that feeling I have for a few minutes when I’m not in control, but not out of control. My head logically understands the consequences of picking back up again, but the other part of my mind, the diseased piece of me, can’t quite grasp yet that I can never, ever again enjoy a beer. I can never again sit at a bar and absentmindedly swirl olives on a skewer around in my gin and tonic.
The pink cloud burst days ago, and I’m keeping at it, but today, I MISS DRINKING.
In 2 1/2 weeks I haven’t left the house except for meetings, Dr. appointments, and grocery runs. I haven’t really hung out with my best friend, my soul mate, and part-time wife, because I don’t know how to hang out with her without drinking. I feel completely isolated, completely alone in this journey and I really want a drink.
The only thing stopping me is a lack of money, and the fact that I’m tired of being a disappointment.
So this is me telling on myself. See you guys later, I’m going to a meeting.
Insurance won’t cover Spirit Lodge. There’s another one owned by the same company not too far away, that is 100% covered, but it’s pretty fkn rustic. The search continues. Anyone know of a decent, preferably holistic, non-12 step rehab in or around the Austin area?
I’m waiting to hear back as to whether or not my insurance will cover me to get treatment here. It’s a holistic rehab that costs $25,000 for 35 days. I have 100% coverage for substance abuse treatment, but it’s out of network because it’s non-taditional. I will have an answer by the end of the day, but I really need this.
I am slowly destroying my entire world. My kids deserve better.
