You can call me Crash.
This is an exercise in figuring it all out.
First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes
Remember that time you learned to play this song, just for me? I remember trying to act unimpressed and telling you that you sucked at it, and you should stick to your loser jazz.
My heart still aches the way it did the day I got the call that you were gone. I thought after three years it would have settled, and that the pain would have softened. It’s been a hard day today, and I’m trying hard to not sink into this pit of despair; it’s just not fair! I need you here today. I need to hear you laughing at me for being so heartsick. I need to hear you telling me that the mistakes I’ve made aren’t forever, and that wounds can heal, and I haven’t lost everything.
You would tell me to relax, and not to over-think the situation. After all, there’s so very little in life that we can control when it comes to the actions of other people.
I’m so good at hurting the people I care about, even when I don’t intend to, even when my trying to protect them, ends up hurting them in the end.
You would understand, because I did it to you. I am so sorry, and I truly wish I could take back the horrible things I said to you.
I love you. My heart has many things breaking it today, and I could really use a hug from you.
Henrik Ibsen and Lou Reed have me caught up in a moment of self-realization. The play means so much more at 29 then it did at 17. Tonight I had to force myself to take a break from writing, and that hasn’t happened in quite some time. I didn’t have to bullshit it, I just felt it. I’ve been fooling myself for so long I almost forgot what it feels like to create and purge.
I have a decision to make, and I think I have a plan. The question is this, do have have the courage to do what I feel in my gut? Or am I just fooling myself with delusions of a John Hughes ending? Being clever doesn’t always mean you win. Sometimes it just means you’ve shot yourself in the foot. Failure is an option, always. The truly courageous person knows this, but still jumps in headfirst. I am standing at Nora’s crossroad; I do not think I am nearly as clever as Nora, and I am well aware that she had bigger balls than old Crashy pants here.
I’ve blown my voice out again.
No more singing tonight. Damnit. I just got started on Selena too!
My kid with ASPERGER’S was DENIED Social Security because he’s not disabled. So I got a lawyer. HE WAS DENIED AGAIN. REALLY? It’s not a disability with the ADHD and OCD and EIGHT MOTHER FUCKING PILLS A DAY HE HAS TO EAT?!?!
This is so incredibly frustrating. We really need the supplemental income and have been fighting this for over a year. I’m not giving up. I know their game. They just don’t know what a stubborn bitch I am. I don’t fucking quit.
just watched the season opener of the office. it’s started out exactly as I expected: campy, over-acted; playing on the fears of the office fanatics who said it would die with steve gone. It paralleled classic office, paid homage to michael scott, and gave its new incarnation a personality.
I make my own mop solution: vinegar, boiling water, and a couple drops of dish soap.
Today the cat peed on the kitchen floor so I decided to add a little bleach.
Did you know that mixing bleach and vinegar makes a noxious gas?
Had to open all the windows and take the kids outside, in the rain, because our eyes were burning. ugh
Problem: Thinking about the 10 years since 9/11 has me thinking about where I was 10 years ago…nestled in Atlanta at Oglethorpe University, engaged to be engaged (it’s a southern thing, y’all) to my high school sweetheart, who had just joined the Air Force.
I went from Conservative Republican to Leftist in about 2 months. He ended up marrying a fat girl with better family values (see also: she was willing to be submissive and follow him blindly).
The time I spent in Atlanta holds the best memories of my early adult life. I miss the fun, and the city, and MARTA, and the food there…omg and the peaches. FUCK CALIFORNIA PEACHES!
I remember rolling around in an Escalade about 3 months after the attacks, with a bunch of upper-middle class white boys who had huge chips on their angry little shoulders, acting entitled and pretending they were oppressed…all while bumping “Bombs over Bagdad” I was in the middle of Eminem’s target demographic, and even then the irony of the situation was not lost on me.
There was the time we saw Ludacris’ house in Decatur on MTV Cribs, and went searching for it, found it, then almost being arrested at the gated drive for public intoxication and trespassing.
I MISS ATLANTA. I thought I was going to be able to move back, but it’s just not a possibility at this point. le sigh.
Anyway, SOLUTION: Roll through my semi-conservative town, windows down, basing out my system at obnoxious volumes while listening to Outkast and Ludacris.
People on campus are wearing hoodies and sweatpants. I know it’s been a hellacious summer, and that most of our brains have melt in the 30+ days of 100+ temps…but seriously?
I spent the morning driving the boys to school listening to The Stooges, The Replacements, and Jawbreaker. Then I had a moment where I wanted to be that obnoxious base thumping jerk at 8 in the morning, and busted out some Weezy.
I stopped and purchased a Pumpkin Spice Latte…it sucked. I’m over it.
Bring on fall!
It’s going to be a good day, guys.
I’ve decided that I need more text posts, not sure if I’ll be long-form blogging here, or on a sister tumblr. I’ll keep you updated!